I met Ginger Snaps on the train to the Netherlands, where I frequently go to see my long-term boyfriend with whom I have a stable and (recently) open relationship. He, his quirks and my love for him deserve a number of blog posts alone. But for now, I want to focus on Ginger Snaps because he’s been on my mind this time.
I get nervous before I travel. It doesn’t matter that I’ve done this route for at least forty times over the past couple of years, I still get nervous. Due to my travel jitters, I almost never sleep the day before I travel. This day was no different.
My travel routine involves getting a big cup of coffee and some pastries from the train station. Having gotten my order misheard, I ended up with a machine-brewed cappuccino (yikes) and a strong black which I usually get. Cappuccino was free of charge.
With my suitcase, my bag of pastries (you know you never get just one) and two paper cup things of coffee in a holder, I went into my train and sat on my usual seat, the seat with a table, facing the direction of the train.
It was end of spring, but it was still quite cold. A guy with a green coat, blue jeans, and black Le Coq Sportif sneakers claimed a seat across my table. He took off his coat, and underneath he was wearing a navy blue zip-up hoodie. His hair was strawberry blond, and his beard light auburn. Both a little disheveled, clearly the morning was far too early for him. He put down his ticket on the table, it said Berlin – Hannover. Which was only halfway of my full route. He sat down and tried to find a socket for his phone charger. I showed him where it was, since he probably was not too familiar with this particular train. This route uses an older train that has a different layout than the regional and national high speed trains.
He nodded and said thank you. Then after a moment of hesitation he said:
“It’s a bit early isn’t it”
I was taken aback, as he didn’t seem the kind to make small talks. Neither was I, normally. I said,
“Yes, it is early.”
In my state of shock, I was hesitating between telling a joke with a punchline that involved cocaine, Berlin party people, and a famous techno club Berghain, but I refrained. He was looking at me, clearly expecting me to say something more because I looked like I was about to say something. I decided to offer him my unwanted cappuccino, as he clearly needed it. He accepted the cappuccino and said thank you. He then put on a pair of thick-rimmed standard prescription glasses and pulled up a computer, an old MacBook white exactly like mine. I looked at him and was going to excitedly tell him about my exact same computer, then refrained. It was too much excitement too early in the morning, and I decided to retreat into my own little corner with my book.
About two hours later, after furiously typing into his computer, it was time for him to get off the train. He nodded and thanked me for the coffee. He beamed me a smile, and I see a chipped tooth. I said no problem and he wished me a safe journey.
It was early summer, a few months after that encounter and I was bored. So I re-downloaded Grindr and saw who was online in my neighborhood. I saw a familiar face, marked at 759 feet away. Ginger Snaps.
WHOA.
I was deciding whether to say anything, when I received a few messages. The usual Grindr creeps…someone interesting, and
WHOA!
Ginger Snaps messaged me. An aloof hey, how’s it?
Long story short (and also because Grindr conversations are rarely worthy writing about– it’s a quick hey how are you, tell me more about yourself, your photos etc) we finally (well, I came up with it mostly) came to the recollection of how we had met before. Then we exchanged phone numbers and agreed to write some more.
After a week of writing, we decided to meet again for a beer. We decided to bike together to this beer garden in the neighborhood. His English was not 100% and he would say things that would be cringeworthy, but my German was also not 100%. We agreed on me speaking German to him and him English.
It was a nice encounter, though cut short by his must to return to work. He works for a national TV company. He turned 34 this year and was at an awkward stage between leaving early adulthood and actually going into serious adulthood. He was charming.
We saw each other again twice, for a run to the park and for a swim.
On September 4th, he invited me over for tea. We hadn’t seen each other for a couple of weeks because he had been traveling. I brought a dark chocolate bar I knew he liked and two bags of my favorite tea (Yogi Tea, ginger and hibiscus). We sat down on his couch and talked. It was an especially warm summer day, so we decided to share a bottle of beer. For health.
Though barred by the language barrier, we managed to talk about a lot of things. Friendship, philosophy, politics, and our secret guilty pleasure of watching campy horror films. About two hours into the conversation, we decided to make ourselves more comfortable. We inched closer to one another, little by little in an obviously unnatural and uncomfortable way. We both were outgoing introverts who were far too scared to make the first move. But after a number of excruciatingly painful minutes, we were close enough to be sitting shoulder to shoulder. He was two inches taller than me, with a medium build. We kept on talking. I saw flecks of yellow in his blue eyes. I noticed his short and straight eyelashes, thin and blond. His beard, auburn and brown and strawberry blond, his pronounced lower lip – pink and dry. I smelled a whiff of shower gel and his deodorant, and I was close enough to smell the beer in his breath. It was a wonderful mixture of smell, between fresh soap, wheat, alcohol and a hint of sweat.
He leaned in closer and put an arm around my shoulders. I rest my head on his. He took a whiff of my hair and told me I smelled like coconut. I did indeed. He played with my hair, as it was a little longer in the summer. I put my hand on his lap, gently stroking his knee in a caring way.
I looked up and a kiss was about to happen. My heart was beating a million times a minute I was scared he was gonna notice. But his was too. We kissed and it was a beautiful, gentle introductory kiss that turned very slowly into an exploratory kiss that turned into passion.
And us two boys, we had mad passion. And chemistry. It was possibly one of the best first times I ever had. In the middle of it, we took a break and just cuddled. He kissed me, pulled away and told me that I was “so geil” — a German word that could either mean extremely cool or nice, or simply hot. I smiled. He gave me a huge Cheshire cat grin. I saw his chipped tooth again. I pulled him close and kissed his forehead.
Passion, more passion, sweat, and when it was over I didn’t even need a cigarette. We took a nap for half an hour or so on his couch, spooning. We went to his balcony and finished our beer. He put on a white v-necked shirt and grey sweatpants. He sat on a chair in his balcony, grinning like a madman. He looked pure bliss. I asked him if I could take a photo. He handed me his phone. I took one, and damn, the way the sun hit his pale head — angelic. We made tea, while we waited for the tea to brew, we took a shower.
I had to then go home and get ready for work. We texted for a while. We agreed to definitely meet again as soon as possible. I made him a Spotify playlist. He was traveling to another city and we listened to the playlist together, remotely. We texted again.
I told him I had a boyfriend. He went cold. He went really cold. I assumed he wasn’t looking for a relationship either. I wanted him as a friend and I thought that was what he had been after too. I gave him time and space.
Two weeks passed. I got hospitalized and was put in isolation for a month for having contracted Tuberculosis. He heard and asked me if I would be okay soon. He told me to tune in to his small news report in the evening news at 18:53. I tuned in to his report from the TV in my hospital room. It was about some new concept clothing store. He smiled and told me “feel better” — it was common for small news reports before the sports section came on to be informal and to send greetings to people. But he said that and he said it to me.
We kept on texting, but it was technical. Was I getting better, should he get tested. As a part of the isolation and containment of the contamination, I had to make a list of people I had been in close contact with. I asked him for his postal code. He texted me his address and wished me better health.
I got discharged, and a few weeks passed until I gathered up the courage to text him. I wanted to invite him to a Halloween party my roommate is hosting. But he couldn’t, as his aunt was visiting. I sent him a photo of my costume. He sent me a photo of him and his aunt, and told me he would drink a beer for me.
Weeks passed, and I wanted to spend time with him. I asked him if we could see each other again. He asked for what purpose. I asked him if we could try to be friends. He said we could try. So we planned on a hiking trip that never happened as he was called up to do a coverage of the Paris attacks. I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie or something when he was back. He said yes.
A few days passed. He added me on Facebook. We chatted for a bit. Then he left. Then we chatted intensively. Things got really flirty. And really serious. We chatted for a couple of hours. He was away in his hometown. I thought I had lost my shot at ever getting anywhere with him ever again. I was wrong. He told me he was just thinking about our time together and was reliving the experience.
The next day, the chat continued. More intense and still flirtatious — then just dirty. We agreed to continue where we left off. He told me he was really looking forward to it. I was as well.
Then complete silence. He is literally seven-hundred-and-some feet away from me. I wrote long messages and he would respond shortly, if at all. This has been going on for two days now. I’m getting impatient, and he is being a jerk (or is genuinely busy, which is unlikely to be the case because I can see him online on Grindr).
Hey, Ginger Snaps. You won’t be reading this, but I think you’re being a fucking tease. You know we are amazing together. I don’t know what your deal is, but I just wish you would tell me. If you’re just not into it anymore, then be a gentleman and just tell me. But what you can’t do is to play me. You can’t just tell me that you have been thinking all day about how you missed the way I *multiple verbs* your *multiple nouns* – vice versa- and my kisses and then disappeared and turned cold and aloof. Let’s get together again. I miss the freckles on your shoulders and the way your ginger beard tickles my chin. And your stupid grin with your chipped tooth. Don’t be scared if I get too intense. I’m just an intense person. I’m not falling in love or anything. I’m pretty sure I’m not. I’m not.